"Stop"[ a crossover fic: Matt(DeathNote)xAllen]

[ca-te.livejournal.com]

Hi every one!^^ I hope it's alright if I post a crossover fic here, let me know if it's not alright. The characters are Allen and Matt, from Death Note. I'd like to dedicate it tosaphira112.

Title: Stop
Author:ca_te
Pairing: MattxAllen
Genre: Romance
Rating: T

Have you ever just stopped? Stopped all of sudden in the middle of your tracks. And you have stood there, lighting a cigarette, thinking “what was that I was supposed to do”?

Mello has always been my aim, my reason, my answer. And it was easier like that. ‘Cause we grew up together, ‘cause he has always been the mind, and I the hand. It was because of that that we almost fell for each other. We almost believed it was love that brought us to our second time together. The first one…well it was experimenting, both for me and for him. But it’s like all that shit in chemical lab; there are different substances and reactions and we stumbled into a really intoxicating one. I almost didn’t feel any pain because of how excited I was, the sounds he made really had me dangling over the edge. And it has always been like this, Mello being the little swearing deity who could have brought me death without me even caring.

I have never asked him how he feels around me, if he is stunned by small details too, like I am by the quick moves of his eyes, by the way he moves his hands as he speaks.

But as I said I’m at a halt now. And I don’t know if Mello is still waiting a few paces ahead, I don’t know if I should tell him not to wait for me.

You know? Books and movies are full of this “you-don’t-know-where-life-can-lead-you” crap, and I have never trusted things like books and movies, because they are made to fuck up your mind. I bite my lip as I remember a little 10 years old Mello saying those precise words to me. I shake my head. Fuck! We seem like damn Siamese twins. I can’t tell any more where he finishes and I begin. But then again Mello is like water, if you let him have the space to do so, he expands.

But that crap must be true in the end, ‘cause otherwise I would be in our bed, his sweet scent all around, waiting for him to come back. I’m outside instead, it’s cold, it’s grey. There’s a thin layer of ice over the paths in the park. He is somewhere out of town, some mob issues I think. He kissed me before leaving few days ago. He wasn’t rough as always, I smiled ‘cause I thought that in the end I might be able to sweeten him a bit. But now I look at the tree branches above me and they are almost black against a bleached winter sky. And there’s this thought that tries to intrude, to intrude between me and my life reason, between me and the only person I’ve cared for so far.

And this freaking, annoying thought is a person. Yep, like in all the most messed up soap operas. Congrats, Matty! I really don’t know how he managed to jump into my mind like this, to bypass the barrier that years spent only with Mello have built. But hey! Things are like that, and his face continues to appear at the corners of my thoughts. It started when Mello left for his current business, I figure that it’s Mello who keeps me at bay when he is here, I can’t help to be dominated by him, and it makes me feel good, and safe sometimes. Now I’m alone facing this something and I don’t know how to react to it.

I met him something like a month ago. I was with Mello, we were at a diner to meet a person who was supposed to have information which Mello needed. He had asked me to go with him and of course I had followed. The place was little, the streets outside were deserted and dirty, some street lamps broken. I remember Mello lightly brushed his hand over my but before entering the place, I remember I shivered.

Inside there were only few people sitting and smoking. I followed Mello to a table in the corner. The linoleum floor creacked under our boots. And there he was, sitting, his gloved hands on the table. We sat and he lifted his gaze. Now, have you ever been punched, punched hard? It’s something which leaves you speechless and sick afterwards. That’s how I remained, speechless and aching in my whole body, looking at him, sitting in front of us. Mello must have noticed it ‘cause for all the time they talked he kept a tight hand on me, almost gluing me to reality, to our reality. When we got up the boy smiled politely, the scar over his left eye moving a bit as he did so. I swallowed and flashed a crooked smile back.

As we exited into the whistling air of the night Mello grabbed my hand and squeezed.

- Don’t you be a little whore like that, Matt!

I almost choked.

- Mel…

- We are together, right?

I nodded.

- Then don’t mess it all up! And by the way does that jerk bleach his hair?

We walked in silence till the subway station. That night Mello made me love so hard I had to use all my strength not to pass out.

I saw that boy again. A few days before Mello’s trip. I was just having a walk, to stretch my legs, and I was smoking peacefully. I like smoking in the chilly air, it makes it more intense, and it rasps more along my throat. I was walking, and it was silent and there he was, sitting on a bench, his arms behind his head. He looked like a pencil sketch, so delicate, almost transparent. I had stopped in the middle of the path and a child ran into me.

- Uh sorry, sir.

I chuckled. “Sir”. As I lifted my gaze I saw he was looking at me. His lips curved in that sweet smile, his eyes clear in the cold light. Now that I think of it, probably what made me long for him from the beginning was the pure aura he radiated, so different from Mello’s velvety and intoxicating one. It was like if he was untouched by the dirty of the world we lived in.

He stood up and walked up to me.

- Hey.

I brought a hand up, he shook it. His touch was light.

- H-hey.

- Nice to meet you again…

I blushed.

- M-Matt.

- Oh nice to meet you again Matt. I’m…

- Allen, right?

He nodded and strands of white hair fell over his eyes. He shook them away.

I tapped my boot nervously over the dry soil. I knew I had to do something, at least move.

So I took out a cigarette.

- Want one?

He shook one elegant gloved hand.

- Oh no thanks.

I lit my cigarette and thanked God for creating nicotine. As I again took control of my traitorous body I smiled.

- Wanna get something to drink?

I felt my heart tingling as I saw his eyes grow wide then soften.

- Oh of course.

When I went back home I still felt my breath trembling at the memory of his voice, with that british accent of his, so similar to ours, mine and Mello’s. As I saw Mello asleep on the sofa something collapsed inside of me. I knelt down and let my hand caress his pale cheek. He mumbled in his sleep. He said “Matt” and I wanted to cry and I wanted to smile at the same time.

From that day on, I’ve been waking up with Allen in my head and going to bed with his image. There are times I feel lonely without Mello at night, I’m not used to it, seeing that we have been sleeping together since we were fourteen. And then as I lay asleep in bed, looking at the ceiling, Allen’s smile, Allen’s gloved hands crawl up to me out of the night. I know I’m just a little, weak scrambled thing, and I’m ashamed to admit it but…for the first time in my whole life I touched myself thinking about someone who wasn’t Mello. I mouthed his name as my semen has splattered over my stomach.

I crush the cigarette’s butt under my boot and stand up, I need to walk, I need to calm down. ‘Cause yes I’m scared as hell! Everything is so new, and…and I know I’m just a spoiled brat but I want Mello to stay with me. Still…still they say a man can’t have everything. And I know that this time if I don’t put a halt to my feeling, if I don’t get back on track I’ll lose Mello for sure. Mello is like this, he is definitive, he is unforgiving with himself and with the world.

My mobile vibrates in my pocket, my heart somersaults.

- Hello?

- Hey Matt. I’m at the kiosk. Where are you?

I swallow, alright Matt you asshole did you seriously think you had the strength to run away? To run away from this heat building inside of you.

- I-I’m coming.

- Good then.

I can almost see his precious smile. Oh holy shit! How could this happen? How could I become like a freaking teenager on her first date! I know that if I go I probably won’t be able to go back. I take a step, and then another, and another.

He is sitting on a stool, he waves at me, his cheeks are almost pink under his white hair, my heart beats faster at the thought that he may be blushing for me.

I look at his hands around the cartoon glass.

- Do you like hot chocolate, Matt?

My heart almost sinks in cold cold water.

- I…

He looks at me with surprise in his grey eyes.

- Yep I like it!

I force myself to smile, but my heart suddenly warms up again as he passes me a glass. He takes a sip and I’m mesmerized by his pink lips over the cartoon rim. I tremble ‘cause I want to kiss him. Now!

- Oh are you cold?

- A little bit.

I lie and I drop my eyes inside the glass. The smell is so sweet.

- I-if you want we can go somewhere else.

His voice is trembling a bit and, as I look up, his cheeks redden. He is so freaking cute, dammit!

Now…have you ever been in a situation when you want something so much that your body aches but you know things will be rolling down a hill if you take the first step?

God! Mello always says I’m reckless. He says it is because I’m pure and I want things with all my soul. Also stupid things. I want to hit myself, because I’m remembering one of the most beautiful things that Mello has ever said to me in a moment like this…

But then Allen’s face is few inches from mine, and I see he is confused and…and I feel almost transported towards him. I’ve never felt something like this before.

With Mello wanting him was natural, with Allen is something so new.

I hug him tightly, ‘cause I feel like doing it, ‘cause I want to feel his slender body against mine. I hug him ‘cause it is my first step.

I feel him tense up a bit, then I feel him pressing against me.

- Matt.

His voice is warm under the white sky.

The light is dim in our apartment.

- Sorry for the mess.

I chuckle. I’m nervous. It’s like I’m riding in a car and I don’t know where the hell I am, what the hell I should do.

- Are you sure you don’t mind?

And I now I’m an idiot but I want to be honest with him.

- Yeah, a bit.

He smiles as he leaves his coat on a chair.

- The same for me.

I can’t help but thinking that he is like a ray of sun in this crappy house. I…I think I’m learning what it means to fall…to fall hard.

- Allen…look…

Something tingles along my whole body, I feel heavy.

I gasp as he moves closer, he is standing a few inches from me now. He tilts his head up a bit.

- I…I think I understand what you’re feeling, Matt.

- Uh?

- You feel like something is somersault inside of you, right? Like you don’t understand if it’s better to let go or to hold onto the ground.

I feel my jaw drop as I look at the white deity in front of me.

- Y-yeah.

- Do you know what it is? Because I don’t know…

His eyes are sincere and I would like to have an answer for him.

- I don’t know neither, Allen.

His fingers are light over my shoulders. I melt as, eyes open wide, I look at him kissing me. His eyelids are lowered over his eyes, they are pale. His hair tickles my cheeks.

- I…sorry, Matt.

He looks at our feet, his hair in front of his face.

- Don’t be. I’m the one who should be sorry. You see, I…we…

He lifts his face, he smiles but I can see something sad lurking inside his iris.

- You are with Mello, I know.

- I…

- Don’t worry, Matt, it’s alright. But well…guess it’s better if I go now.

I don’t know if it is the soft way he turns around, or the way his scar moves slightly as he closes his eyes but I can’t help it. I just grab his wrist and pull him towards me. I feel the impact of his tiny body against mine resonating inside my ribcage.

- Matt…

This time I close my eyes as I kiss him.

My breath gets lost when I see him naked. Well my worldly deity is definitely a piece of art, but Allen…Allen leaves me speechless. His skin is almost white, and his bones are little under it, I’m afraid to touch him. And again his smile comes and it’s like if he knows exactly what I’m thinking, what is floating under my skin. He takes my hand and places it on his cheek.

I let my fingers run everywhere over that pure surface and I feel something growing bigger inside of me, and warmer, every time he lets out a sigh or a gulp.

I’ve never made love to anyone before, it was always Mello who took me, who grabbed my hand and threw me in that world of pleasure and bite marks. But I don’t want to leave marks on Allen’s skin.

Making love to him is mind-blowing. He is so tight and warm. I hide my face against his neck as his voice fills my ears, fills me. He is calling my name. And I want to scream that I love him, no matter how absurd it can be. That I want to hold his lithe body in my arms, to feel it mould against mine again and again. God! I’m such a jerk!

I look at his face he smiles and moans at the same time.

- I like you, Allen.

I feel his nails in my shoulders.

- I like you too, I freaking like you.

He laughs and I feel his laugh reverberating inside his body.

I hug him. I can’t let go. His breath is fresh over my skin. Outside the trees in the park move their branches in the wind. He keeps caressing my chest, he traces slow circles and I don’t feel like smoking. I just look at the ceiling, my fingers in his white hair.

- Then Matt…what are you going to do?

I knew this moment would come, and I have to blame only the freaking dreamer I am. But in the end…in the end I can walk also without tracks, it would be difficult but I can. Mello always says that I’m too lazy and that I would be able to accomplish so much if I just moved my fucking ass. I chuckle, the thought of Mello bitter sweet in my mind. There’s a part of me which doesn’t want to let him go, though. He is my family, he is my lover. Still I know I’ll have to move on my own. I would make him proud.

I feel Allen shifting and I face him. I kiss his lips again.

- Everything is going to be alright.

I hug him and sink into the warmth.

And already I am childish again…Already I wish for us to have more and more of these warm winter days.

And this childish me takes a step out of the tracks and waits for a blond deity to insult him, waits for his heart to be able to let go and live on his own with Allen and his smile.